Monday, December 11, 2006 - MONDAY MATINEE

Sparks Of Insanity By Vinny "Bond" Marini Sunday, December 10, 2006

So far in our tale,
You've heard
Tales of amazing advertising powers…

Prattle on the state of dating in NYC in the late ‘70’s/early ‘80’s…

Schmoose about nonsensical subjects…

In our last episode you should have learned (if you were paying attention and not kissing in the balcony);
THE COUCH worked hard and partied hard at his job…
THE COUCH had a falling out with roommate #2…long ago resolved…
THE COUCH became engaged…
THE COUCH had vacated the apartment in the city to his parent’s home…
THE COUCH became unengaged…
Now, living home and commuting into the city, THE COUCH reentered the world of dating…

He began visiting the local bar that had been his “home away from home” throughout his college years and afterward.

He began chatting with women he rode the train with.

He spent time in NYC on the weekends when possible and also going out to the Hampton’s on the weekends when it was summer.

What he received in return was a lesson on life and an education to the bizzarro world of dating in the early 80’s.

We have thought about how this should be presented and have decided a case by case examination will make for the most comedic method…besides, the timeline is a bit fuzzy as to the order…

These all happened in 1980, ‘81 and part of ’82…

THE COUCH NOTE: To Mimi and Bud, the connoisseurs of dating profiles – the headlines are real to THE COUCH!

Dirty Little Girl
By Elton John

Out at a small pub in a neighboring town. The main street of this town ends at the wharf, which juts out into the Long Island Sound. A beautiful cozy place and this pub is right near the water.

Sitting at the bar with good HS friend, at one point THE COUCH looks over and there is an attractive woman near the jukebox. We walk over and ask “Anything good on there?” At which point she sits on the edge and says “Me.”

OK, the next move would have been to run, but nope…we began dating…

Her family owned an old beach house overlooking The Sound on a bluff, where she lived full time. A great old house, not well kept, but very livable.

Problem was all of these $1-million dollar homes had sprung up all around it and it did stick out some…so, her neighbors were always being rude.

She was French and though she shaved body hair like American women, she tended to go along with that “don’t shower often” myth that exists. Wasn’t a myth…maybe 3 times a week for her…

She would complain that the girls at her work would put air fresheners near her locker. We tried to explain but it didn’t go far…

After about three weeks, one evening she began to describe how congested she gets at night and when she showers she clears this congestion out and began describing the substance of it, and other things about it….We did not see each other after that day…

Lesson One…Women who make stupid pickup lines and don’t shower enough are not dateable.


By Madonna

Traveling home one day on the train, sitting in a situation where two seats face each other. As the train pulls out of the station a very attractive young lady sits opposite.

THE COUCH is reading a book, and notices she is looking at photo proofs.

“Are you a photographer?” she is asked. “No, I do some modeling and these are new head shots.”

“Ah, interesting.” And back to the book, because you want to seem uninterested…
SOURCE: Book of Dating by Y. Ulistentom

A few minutes later… “That must be an interesting book.” “Well, I am almost done and when that happens I tend to get engrossed. Sorry.”

“Do you commute every day?” She says as she cocks her head at that angle that guys normally take to be flirting.

The book is forgotten almost immediately. “Yes I do, every day. Luckily I was able to get out a bit early today.” “Really, what do you do?” he is asked. “Well, I work in advertising.”

At this point he introduces himself and she responded in kind.

“Oh, that must be interesting, are you involved with selecting talent for your ads…would you like to see my proofs?”

“Of course I would, but I don’t have anything to do with the selection process.”

He takes the proffered sheets and looks at a series of excellent photographs in evening gowns and dresses. Lifting the top sheet to see the strips on the sheet below, he hopes his face does not give him away as the photos reveal almost all there is to reveal of the woman sitting across, who, he realizes, is smiling at him!

“Great shots, where have you been published?” The woman mentions some catalogs and one department store.

It ends up that they get off the train at the same stop and actually live in the same town. She, being younger and from the other high school, does not know his siblings.

Dates begin. A movie here, a dinner there.

Then one night she is invited to the house for a home cooked meal…one of his loves.
The meal went well, but what was made is a distant memory.

Sitting out on the screened in porch afterward, talking about the whatever.
A kiss here and a kiss there…and then…

“Hey I need to tell you something.” She says. “Sure, anything.”

“Well ya see, when we met, I had been dating this guy for like 4 years and we had broken up, but we spoke last night and we are going to try again.”

Does anyone hear crickets?

“Well, OK…………..good luck with that, would you like dessert or would you like me to take you home?”

“I think home would be the best.” Model-lady said.

Lesson #2 - All that shines is not gold.


Sweet Child O' Mine
By Guns N' Roses

Good friend mentions his gf has a sister…..alarm bells should go off, but all we hear is a tiny tinkle…

We all meet for dinner. Sister is very nice, funny and cute. Friend gf is a stunner.

Sister and I go out over the next few weeks, always having a good time. Diner, movies, she comes over and I cook…OK, this is nice.

“Hey, tomorrow, can you come over; I want you to meet someone.” “OK” says

Show up the next day and her dad lets me in. Sitting in living room and chatting with dad when in walks sister, with a toddler following behind. She comes over and sits on the couch (not THE COUCH, just the couch) and smiles and says “I want you to meet my son.”

“ummmm, hi?” is all we could manage at the moment.

I love kids…just don’t like them pulled out from behind door #2!

“Com-onnnnnnnnnnnnnn Down”

But, it isn’t look like this is anything serious. So, I go with the flow and a week later, sitting in the car chatting after a movie…

“Did you enjoy the movie?” she is asked.

“So, you like my son right? Well he needs a father figure…so I am getting back together with his father. We are moving in together tomorrow.”

Bwah Wah Wah…..sorry you end up with the chicken and pig behind the door you selected!

Lesson #3: Always look behind door #2.


One Way Out (Live/LP Version)
By The Allman Brothers Band

Home for a few weeks one summer in college and wanted to hear a band we were thinking of promoting up in Rochester.

It was raining lightly as we drove to the club, one we were familiar with and they knew

I see a car on the side of the road flashers on and a person with a flashlight. It was still partially light out, so we pulled over.

Ends up there is a second guy also and our radar went up for a second…

Turns out they had a flat and no jack, so in about 5 minutes they have a tire change.

As they say goodbye I shake hands with the passenger and then the driver and when my hand comes away there is money. Without looking we decline but the driver was already getting in the car and driving away.

Getting back into our car we look at the folded bills to see two twenties!

Finish the drive to the club and say hello to the owner and bartenders. Sit at the bar before the band takes the stand and having a beer. Chatting with the bartender and catching up, asking about the band.

When the band comes on I take a seat at a table near the rear. The place is pretty crowded and when a group of 4 women (girls? – 20 or so ), asks if they can share the table, and being the gentleman we were raised to be welcome them.

Wedding bands on 2, no band on the other two. An extra $40 in our pocket we buy a few rounds throughout the evening.

One of the not married says "So, you are a concert promoter, I heard you talking to the bartender." Smiling, "Not really a concert promoter, just help a friend scout bands to bring upstate." Conversation flows easily.

At the end of the night we are invited to follow to her place right down the road for a nightcap.

Pull into the driveway, and go in through the garage into a family room.

We are there for about 20 minutes or so, and things are beginning to get more comfortable when a voice from upstairs “Is that you?”

As she signals to be quiet, “Yes, it’s me...close the door.”

Door closes…

My eyeballs must be doing like in the cartoons, going around my hear appearing and then disappearing.
“Your dad?”

There are those damn crickets again…

“Should I leave?”
“Well, it might be for the best, I didn’t expect him home.”

Head begins to swivel making looking for the nearest exit…

“Your Dad?”, more urgently this time...remain calm…
“No, (“OH S**T PLEASE DON'T SAYTHAT!”) "My husband, but-we-are-separated-we-just-can’t-afford-a-second-place.”

This last said fast as I headed out the door…I didn’t hear what else she said…

Lesson #4: Always look for that extra car in the driveway.


Around this time, we were sitting watching one of those dating shows that was on at that time.

Couple goes on a date, comes back, talks about it, and decides if they want to do it again. Chuck Woollery was the host.. Name of the dang show escapes me…

So, guy comes on and is talking to good confidant Chuck (who will never tell a soul!) that he has had some problems with dating.

Chuck, the original Dr. Phil, comforts him and asks what he means.

Well, this guy explains, every time he dates a girl she goes back to her husband or boyfriend…

The crowd goes wild as Chuck says something like “Well do you realize what this show is about.”

THE COUCH begins a big laugh, but it is calmed a bit, because...well didn’t that happen to him…twice already?

Over the next month we had three more dates. By the end of the night for each, we found out:
  • One had a boyfriend who was in boot camp for the Marines and he would be home the next week…
  • One was separated and confused over what to do…(she did go back)
  • One who was a total lunatic who complained about her ex half the night and explaining why she would take him back the other half.
What was that guy’s name on that show???.......


Guess Things Happen That Way
By Johnny Cash

Back on the good old Long Island Railroad. Coming home late one night…

Woman across the aisle says “Excuse me may I read part of your paper?”
“Sure, what section?”
“Are you done with the sports?”

Though we were just about to read them, “Sure, here you go.” As he hands over the requested pages, he makes an introduction and she replies in kind.

A few minutes later, “I can’t believe the Yankees this year.”

: That would put this at 1982 when the Yankees went 80-82. The year of the three headed manager with Bob Lemon, Gene Michael & Clyde King each taking their turn. It was September and they were already far out of the race.

“It has been difficult going to games this year.” Replies
“Oh, do you go often?”
she inquires.

“I actually have a stake of a season ticket package and get to go to 20-25 games a year.”

“That must be nice when they are playing well!”

We exchange phone numbers and two days later she calls. “Do something Saturday? Sure…AH new comedy club, yes sounds like fun. Ok we’ll pick you up at 8.”

That Saturday was a blast. She liked the music same music, loved the Yankees…was very pretty and seemed normal in everyway possible. She had a great job as a lawyer in Manhattan.

The next Wednesday we had tickets to the Yankees and invited her.

She accepted and we had another great evening. Took the train home and she left at her station.

Monday she calls. Can we have lunch on Thursday; she is flying with her grandmother to Florida, for her yearly move down south.

How nice, she loves her family. PERK!

Plans are made to meet at
THE COUCH's regular restaurant he uses for business.

As they planned on meeting at 2, his normal table was being used. They sat at a table by the window and had a great lunch. A bottle of wine…some dessert.

As dessert was finishing up a call comes and it is
THE COUCH's best friend.

He is two blocks away, so come on over and let me introduce you. He is always a good gauge.

The three of them sit and have another bottle of wine and have a good time talking.
It is time for her to head to Queens to grandmas house. And the skies open up. Torrential rainstorm. Cabs will now be impossible

calls for a limo. When it arrives she and THE COUCH head out, with plans to meet up with best friend after we drop her off.

The ride to Queens is the ultimate limo fantasy. The privacy screen up the whole time.

Drop her off with plans to talk the following week.

is feeling good over the weekend.

Then on Tuesday calls her home.

Her mother answers. Now we have not met yet, but when
THE COUCH says who is calling, mom’s voice lifts in recognition.

“OH hello,
has mentioned you!” OOOOO not bad….

Mom begins to speak once again…“Now …”


We can make up some things, but then there are things that you can not make up….


“I am not sure it makes sense for you to call anymore…”

Where the hell did those damn crickets come from now???


“because you know


“…is on her honeymoon and probably can’t see you again.”

OK, call the exterminator these crickets are on my nerves…

Now we can almost guarantee we said something and then mom responded, but for the life of me it is just "yadda yadda yadda" with the sound of the ocean crashing in my ears…

Lesson #5 - Ah hell ain't no leeson to be taught!

What was that guy’s name on that dating show???

I can open up the east coast franchise for what – in my mind – was formally named
“Get her Back”.

Where our motto is “Having a problem with your girlfriend or wife? Let us date her…three times, tops and she is back in your arms. Money-back guaranteeGood Housekeeping Seal Of APPROVAL.”

The next day we decided we would be an uncle…and forget this whole dating thing.


The Look Of Love
By The Delfonics

It was now about 5 months later and we have not had more then one date with any person.

As we mentioned last Thursday…we were dragged to a get together by our best friends and ended up being the 7th wheel.

The women in the third couple was attractive, but I walked away not even remembering her name.

The couple whose house it was were about to move out to Long Island close to THE COUCH, so we promised to stay in touch.

When they had settled in we made plans to go out one Friday night, the three of us.

What a great night, we had fun dancing and getting to know each other better. It is now the end of the night, last call, and as we walk out, THE COUCH blurts out “Hey, what’s the deal with the blonde that was at your apartment that time?”

“Oh, yes, well she and that guy broke up, we never knew what she saw in him”, says wife. “Why, would you like us to set you up, she and I are best friends.”

Hummm are you calling in a favor? Second class merchandise…we’ll help you out?
The brain is a funny thing.

“Sure, that would be fun.”

THE COUCH NOTE: We had never dated a blonde in our life. Nothing planned just the way it worked.

Plans are made for the Friday evening after Thanksgiving. We drive over to friend’s house and talking with husband. Down the stairs comes wife trailed by the blonde, who has on a great dress with a floral print design. Even prettier then we remembered.

Dinner is great, everyone talking….laughing…

Afterward out to dance.

Friend’s are going home, and since they are right down the road, if I want to stay over there is room.

Blonde and I decide we will be back in a bit and stay awhile longer.

Back to the house we stay up talking…kissing.

At around 5:00 am, THE COUCH drives home, takes a shower, drives back and she and he drive to the beach and go for a walk and watch the sunrise.

We date; she joins me at my company holiday party. In January, THE COUCH asks if she wanted to get married. Allyson answers yes. But, says THE COUCH, "I need to ask your dad before you say anything."

Next Saturday, THE COUCH walks to parent’s bedroom where dad is getting ready to go out. “May I speak with you, OH I am sorry, you are getting dressed.”
“No, come on in.”
Dad-in-law was a fun guy and is standing there in a shirt, socks and his boxers.

“No, really, I can come back.”

“It is fine.”

OK, here goes… “Um Mr. S. I was hoping you would give me your blessing to marry Allyson.”

“Wait, I think I do need my pants on for this.”

He dons his pants and approves.

The days of dating are over for THE COUCH….


We hope you enjoyed this little saga.

Beginning next week...another serial which we hope will make your Mondays more enjoyable.

The line between fact and fiction is often blurred
by the tale and how it is spun...

St. J - P.B.U.A.B.W.A.B

Thanks for sitting on THE COUCH, hope you enjoyed your stay.

Remember .. Nets For Malaria - - find the big SI's Nothing But Net logo ... Or call 202.887.9040. Every cent goes to buying nets to place over the beds of children in Africa to stomp out Malaria. PLEASE HELP.

Keep that spark of insanity kids...It helps keep you an individual.

DIRTY LITTLE GIRL: Composers: Elton John & Bernie Taupin

VOGUE: Composers: Madonna & Shep Pettibone
SWEET CHILD 'O MINE: Composers: Guns N Roses
ONE WAY OUT: Composers: Elmore James & Marshall Sehorn
LOOK OF LOVE: Composer: Bert Bacharach & Hal David

32 Of Your Sparks

  1. Anndi Says:
  2. Loved it..
    ok.. beware of crickets... right!

    Never a dull moment..

  3. Lizza Says:
  4. This post had me laughing out loud! And I loved the way you matched a song to each "encounter."

    The things you had to go through, good lord, they all seem so surreal. I hope the future remains cricket-free for you!

  5. Great, great, great story. I dated my share men in my day (also in the early 80s!), and several of my scenarios ended up strangely.

    I have this odd habit of accumulating past loves -- we stay friends for years afterwards. Several of them have commented to me, when their subsequent marriages inevitably broke up, "I should have married you when I had the chance." Huh? Whatever made you think I WOULD have married you?! That's why I gave up my fascination with bad boys and turned to the tried and true "wholesome" boys instead. Unfortunately for him (and for me), at times its challenging because he's a bit too wholesome, and I am, well..."free-spirited."

    Aaaaaannnyway, loved your saga, and so glad you found a true love.

    I sure do miss you over the weekends...sigh.

  6. Coco Says:
  7. "The line between fact and fiction is often blurred by the tale and how it is spun ..." (couldn't see the pics at the end)

    Very curious.

    Lovely story.

    "They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but love." Wm. Shakespeare

  8. TopChamp Says:
  9. Ha ha - they're all pretty weird endings.

  10. Unknown Says:
  11. Very entertaining indeed. I love learning even more about you. Thanks for sharing, awaiting next weeks installment.

  12. Liz Hill Says:
  13. So much fun reading this post. You always make my day. Smooch

  14. ANNDI: Dadgum crickets....

    LIZZA: If you laughed out loud, my job is done! And yes cricket-free...

    SONGBIRD: LOL...yes I have remained friends with a few old flames...none mentioned in today's episode though!

    COCO: No pictures to see.. very curious about???
    Nice quote from billy S.

    TC: "pretty weird" is a nice way of putting it!

    BUSY: Ah, but again... live or memorex???

    TURN: TY glad you had fun

  15. Anonymous Says:
  16. LOVED YOUR POST!!!!!!!

    but....i have decided to go back to my old understand don't you?

  17. tiggerprr Says:
  18. Hey Bond, your dating stories are about as crazy as mine. I could write a

    The show that Chuck Woolery hosted was "Love Connection" it was a hoot. :)

  19. Anonymous Says:
  20. Cheers "Norm"

    Women....CAN'T LIVE WITH THEM.......(pause).........pass the beer nuts.

  21. DAMMTHAT: go on, but when they stop posting don't come back here looking for wit and information from me..

    TOGERPRR: I am sure everyone has had some strange dating periods...LOL AND YES LOVE CONNECTION- that's it! We'll be back in 2 and 2 LOL

    DAMMW: You have that saying on a beer mug somewhere?

  22. Piacere Says:
  23. Only those who have really "lived" can share stories like that...

    Any hopes for a sitcom? It would be a humdinger!!!


  24. PIA: Maybe someone will come along and read it and decide i have talent...Until then, consider yourself part of the audience ans whoop whooop away

  25. Mia Says:
  26. Lol @ sitcom....could make for a good book though. ;)

  27. Tug Says:
  28. LOVE.IT. Nice story...

  29. MIRANDA: OOO book deal... you know a publisher?


  30. Oooh, Bond, these are priceless!!! I'm so relieved that I skipped all this fun. That Man and I married within months of me graduating high school.

  31. Meribah Says:
  32. Whoa! You've sure had some hard luck with women, Bond! Glad you finally found your true love. I guess it's true about the squirral, huh? LOL

  33. Unknown Says:
  34. LOL - thanks for this amazing matinee! Hooray for "Sweet Child Of Mine" - one of my favortie songs ever!

    I´m happy for you about the outcome... but pleeeeease: Stay away from cricket =)

  35. Bond,

    Great post today, it took me awhile to get over here today. And I'm so happy I did! Your use of songs really does add to the post.


  36. Unknown Says:

    :takes deep breath:


  38. Anonymous Says:
  39. Holy schmokes dude!! I would say something snarky about women, but the fair sex outnumbers us here.

    Instead, I'll congratulate you on hanging in there.

  40. Watch it trav!

  41. Good job. But, going back into that world after a long marriage...
    is a challenge. Very funny, right down to the boxers!

  42. Mary Says:
  43. I really enjoyed reading your post! I dated my share of jerks but man... Some of those break up lines were just awful, I thought guys were bad! I think women are even worse, LOL!

    I can't wait to

  44. Sonny Says:
  45. Vinny, thank you very much for this really exhilarate post! It really cheered me up and that's what I needed!

    BTW, I've done a "Stalker Meme". Maybe you'd like to have a go?

    Big Hugs from Germany,

    Sweet like Kitty
    Sonny's Xmas

  46. JOELY: Hummm..still, I am not sure I wouldn't have wanted to have some of this fun, and rememebr... truth? tale??? and there weere some great times - they just aren't as funny!

    MERI: Don't consider it hard luck..consider it life..and HEY..look at all of them that lost out on ME! LOL

    SANNI: LOL...the crickets....

    DIANA: I try to select the right songs to the items where possible..ty for noticing.

    DANA: laughing a bit too hard dear lol

    TRAV: Good move on not making the comment and thanks for the compliment!

  47. BUD: ty for the words..and it must be tough...

    MERT: New story next week..hope you enoy as much...

    SWEET KITTY: Sonny... glad I could cheer you up. UMMM Stalker meme...ummmm

  48. Angell Says:
  49. Bond, absolutely loving it. Reads kind of like "How I Met Your Mother", only a lot funnier cuz I know you!! :D

    Keep 'em coming - and sorry I'm so far behind. Work is killer.

  50. Mimi Lenox Says:
  51. Bond...Very INTERESTING! And I thought my own dating tales were strange! This middle-aged dating is just crazy. Sigh.

  52. iz Says:
  53. Awww. That's the sweetest love story I ever read! Guess we all do our share of losers till the right one comes along.


Music On The Couch