Sports Friday

Sparks Of Insanity By Vinny "Bond" Marini Friday, February 02, 2007

Before we begin a short note. We want to thank you, my guests, for your insightful comments yesterday. You all showed me that the thoughts in my head were not the beginnings of a breakdown.

That doesn’t mean that the bearded lady is going away (no worries Matt-Man, she is still considering your date proposal), or that Waldo the Magnificent is destined to become a soda-jerk (note to you kiddies...that is what they called the guy behind the counter at the local malt Shoppe – oh damn now I have to explain malt Shoppe) OK, if only we had learned from Mo how to cross out type.. so Waldo will not become a rag guy at the car wash…


Enough... this is supposed to be….

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My son Matt was a high school athlete. He also played one year of college baseball. I witnessed many high school athletes who were stars. We have also heard of the high school athletes who received special privileges. But …this is the icing on the cake.

O.J. Mayo is the #1 rated high school senior in the entire country playing basketball today.

O.J. plays for Huntington HS in West Virginia. This is his home town, but he has only played there for this, his senior year. For the last three years, he somehow ended up playing at North Carolina Hill High School in Cincinnati, Ohio. How and why? Well, they had a real good team and he moved in with a relative. He played his varsity career as a seventh grader at Rose Hill Academy in Ashland, KY. Varsity basketball as a seventh grader???? Insanity.

So, we begin with the fact that young man has been treated like royalty since he was 12 or 13 years old. Allowed to move from school to school willy-nilly…”hey O.J., come play for us…we will make you a star…screw an education, it doesn’t matter.”

Mayo has signed a letter of intent to play at USC next year, but it is already presumed he will only spend one year there before moving to the NBA. You see he has to go to college for a year since the NBA changed their rules a few years ago to stop high school kids from moving right into the NBA.

Now O.J. also has to take gym class. And in gym class they play basketball. It has been reported that O.J. isn’t the best classmate. Earlier this season, the following incident occurred as reported by many different news agencies… see whatever this kid does is news…

Seems, O.J. screamed at his teammate in gym class to pass him the ball during a game of hoops. Mayo later apologized, but said the teammate, Jared Wyman, should not be allowed to dribble the ball up court under any circumstances.

“Dude! Give me the ball! Come on!” screamed Mayo as Wyman clumsily dribbled up the court on a fast break. “Over here! What the fuck? I’m O.J. Mayo! I’m the top high school basketball player in the country! Give me the ball, you fat shit!”

Finally, Wyman passed the ball over to Mayo, who drove to the basket and executed a ferocious slam dunk while stepping on the forehead of the opposing defender.

“Yea! That’s what I’m talking about!” he screamed as he made his way back down the court. “Nice pass, Jared! Way to go. Now get back on defense, and if you get the ball again, pass it to me. I promise I’ll pass it right back.” Yeah, right...surrrrrrrrrrrrrre he will.

“I guess I’m just so used to playing on real basketball teams that I can get a little impatient in gym class,” said Mayo. “But even a non-basketball playing fat kid should know enough not to put the ball on the floor like that. If he’s going to grab a rebound he should be looking up the court immediately and throwing me an outlet pass. I wish our gym teacher would emphasize that, but he’s too busy taking pictures of me with his goddamn camera phone.”

Mayo also gets frustrated with other students in his gym class, specifically those who don’t know how to set a proper screen.

“God, you’d think it was rocket science,” Mayo said. “All you have to do is stand there, but most of these kids can’t even get that right. It’s just so frustrating. I should win pretty much every time I step on the floor, but if my supporting cast isn’t good enough, I’m screwed. Let this be a lesson to all the NBA GM’s out there: If you surround me with the right players, I can take you to the Promised Land. If you surround me with a bunch of fatsos and nerds, I’m just going to be another Kevin Garnett.”

Wyman and the rest of the students in Mayo's gym class admit that they’re not in the same league as him when it comes to playing basketball, but they feel they should be lauded for their effort instead of ridiculed for their lack of skills.

“Jesus, I wish he would stop screaming at me all the time,” said Wyman, 17. “I’m doing the best I can out there, and despite what he thinks, I have every right to dribble the damn ball up the court if I want to. So we lose. Who cares? It’s only gym class. It’s supposed to be fun. I don’t see him getting all worked up in algebra class when he flunks a test. I can’t blame him for that, though. Getting good grades is about as useful for him as learning how to execute a pick and roll is for me.”

THE COUCH likes this Wyman kid ALOT!

Pretty freaking horrible right? Well my guests there is more... and this is where it is even more disgusting. Thanks to our friend Travis who clued us in to this part.

This past week, O.J. went to court and got a temporary restraining order allowing him to play in a game against Artesia of Lakewood California, another nationally ranked team.

Why was this necessary...well our friend O.J. was playing in a varsity game recently and earned himself two technical fouls. The restraining order allowed Mayo and FIVE teammates to play in this important game against Artesia.

Circuit Court Judge Dan O’Hanlon (no doubt a fan of Huntington High) set hearings for the players for Feb. 9th and barred state athletic officials from imposing the suspensions until a decision on the players’ procedural rights to appeal penalties.

You see, these are High School players and they do not have the right to appeal penalties when they BREAK THE RULES! The rules have been set to teach LIFE LESSONS...but good old Judge Dan has decided that maybe those rules ain’t right. Nicely done Dan.

Now, why were the six suspended? Well, as we said, Mayo got two technical fouls which means he would be ejected from the game. This is the same rule you play under from peewee basketball right up to the pros... SAME RULE JUDGE DAN.

Now in West Virginia, as in many other states, if you receive two technicals in a game or are ejected for any reason you need to sit out two games. The other rule involved here states that a student …remember we are talking about STUDENTS here Judge Dan, who “in protest lays hands or attempts to lay hands upon an official” can be declared ineligible for up to a year.

See, that rule comes into play because as the ref went to the scorer’s table to report Mayo’s ejection, Mayo bumped the ref from behind. The five teammates were suspended for leaving the bench area to protest the technical and ejection.

So, then they go to court to say “but we wanna play... and I am special don’t you know who I am???”

This gets better kiddies… Mayo’s attorney… a slimy bastard named Mike Woelfel, who just so happens to be the assistant coach at Huntington High – HOW convenient! – told the local paper “We feel O.J. certainly didn’t do anything intentional. If there was contact, it was inadvertent or may have been accidentally initiated by the referee himself.” Wait... the scum sucking attorney is trying to blame the ref….

Guess what Mikey... the bumping does not occur if your client took the ejection like a man and just went to the bench and did not follow the ref.

Under SSAC rules, if a student plays under a restraining order that is later reversed, the team could be forced to forfeit any victories in which the student played.

Let’s all hope the decision is reversed and O.J. learns a lesson from this all. THE COUCH doubts he will and will probably do an interview stating that he is being picked on by “the man.”



OK, so Barry Bonds signed a one year contract with the San Francisco Giants to give him the chance at breaking Hank Aarons home run record…wait…or did he?

The contract that was signed included some once in a lifetime provisions. Like if Steroid-head gets indicted over his use of the performance enhancing drug, the Giants can terminate his $15.8 million dollar contract. In addition the contract states that the juicer gives up his right to ask for the players association to file a grievance on his behalf if this happens.

After the commissioner's office rejected Bonds' $15.8-million, one-year deal because it contained a personal-appearance provision, the team sent revised documents to his agent, Jeff Borris.

"At this time, Barry is not signing the new documents," Borris said.

Still, they disagree on the meaning of an unusual provision in the deal relating to Bonds' potential legal problems. In the contract, a list of criminal acts is spelled out in a section.

"Player acknowledges and agrees that an indictment for any criminal act under (that section) . . . is proper grounds for termination of this contract," Bonds' contract states.

Could this possibly mean that bonehead might just fade away? Unfortunately probably not…but THE COUCH still hopes.


OK, Sunday is the SUPER BOWL. The second biggest sporting event in the world behind the World Cup.

Not bad, since the entire world is interested in the World Cup (well except the USA) and the whole world doesn’t really care about the Super Bowl (except the USA).

Peyton Manning, he of the Indianapolis Colts (and arch-enemy of our friend Dixie) has a chance to put a ring on his finger and climb into the elite in the annals of football.

It should be a good match up with the offensive minded Colts against the defensive minded Chicago Bears. The Bears are lead by this Rex Grossman guy who, besides Trent Dilfer of the Super Bowl champion Baltimore Ravens is the least likely Super Bowl quarterback in the history of the event.

As much as the game is important, the commercials seen during the game have become the story over the years.

The most memorable Super Bowl commercial is probably from 1984. And the commercial was adeptly named “1984.”

It was from a small computer company called Apple announcing the debut of a thing called Macintosh and showed a runner throwing a sledgehammer into a big brother image on a large screen (representing the big powerful IBM). This commercial is one of the most talked about ever.

Directed by Ridley Scott (yup him) the commercial played once…yup ONCE and has never been shown (other then all the shows about commercials) ever again.

We also saw the Budweiser frogs for the first time in 1995 sitting on their lily pads croaking “bud” “er” “wise”… umm “wise” “bud” “er”…ummm “bud” “wiser” “er” and the camera pulling back to show a neon sign in a bar in the middle of a swamp - and not a picture of our good friend Bud Weiser.

This year, the commercial to watch for? A man named JP, who doesn’t use his real name so as to keep his plans secret from his girlfriend, has been trying to use the Internet for months to raise more than $2 million needed to buy a single, 30-second Super Bowl advertising spot.

The reason? So he could use the most-viewed television event of the year to ask for his girlfriend’s hand in marriage!

When his online fundraising plan fell short, JP brought in outside help, including a publicist and an advertising expert.

Joe Morin, chief executive of an online product placement company called Storybids Inc., saw an opportunity in JP’s plea. He offered to find a sponsor for the ad — if JP would let him sell product placement rights in a video of the would-be bride’s response.

Morin said last Friday he is in contract negotiations with six companies that have expressed interest in forking over more than $2 million for the spot. He declined to identify the companies but said he expected a deal to be completed by Monday.

Morin said the proposal has already been filmed, but terms of how the sponsor will be promoted haven’t been worked out.

So, kiddies… use kick-offs for your bathroom breaks and make sure you don’t miss this one…

Heck, every year all THE COUCH hopes for is a competitive game.


Be back on Monday with Episode 2 or "FINAL SECONDS"


MUSIC CODES: Best Audio Codes

BASKETBALL JONES: Cheech & Chong; Composers: Tommy Chong & Cheech Marin
FOOTBALL: Iggy Pop; Composers: Alex Kirst & Iggy Pop

Header: 2007 VEM


36 Of Your Sparks

  1. Twyla Says:
  2. I've never actually watched the Superbowl. I've never watched the World cup either, so don't feel bad. I've never even watched the half-time show, so I missed the famous 'wardrobe malfunction'. I do remember the Budweiser frogs (my FAVE beer by the way), but I'm pretty sure that's because they played those commercials to death after the Superbowl. I also remember the commercial with the Clydesdale horses...and that was for Budweiser also. Maybe I'm just attracted to beer commercials. LOL
    Anyways, maybe I will check out this whole Superbowl thing this year. Now if it were the Stanley Cup Playoffs, I'd be right there. :-)

  3. Schmoop Says:
  4. Sad to say, OJ Mayo is quite simply, an arrogant punk. I know the story of him well. I think the Colts will win. I have thought of the similarities between Dilfer's and Grossman's situations. I dont think the Bear defense is quite as dominating as the Raven defense was when they won it. But no matter who wins, I see myself getting a nice buzz going Sunday...Cheers, my good man!!

  5. TWYLA: Ah go on and watch... Not sure of Justin's last name.. but the guy who will be proposing has the initals JP...LOL sorry, could not help myself....

    MATT-MAN: Arrogant punk... yes that is the PG description of what he is! I agree the Colts and simply because, as you stated the Bears are not as dominant on D as the Ravens were. Dilfer contributed 1 TD, 2 were special teams and one a run by Lewis. The coaching staff has told Grossman, just stay out of the way.

  6. AtriaBooks Says:
  7. I have to look in to more of this OJ Mayo story. What an ass hat! You don't hear crap like that from Lebron James. Makes me root for Mayo to tear an ACL in gym class.

    Colts 27
    Bears 23

    You heard it here first.

    I miss the Bud Bowl. But the best Super Bowl commercial was the "Office Linebacker."

  8. DOC: See, what I truly hope for is he plays his first college game...coming down the court and out of nowhere he gets an elbow in the chops and crumbles in a pile. The opposing player looks down and say... "My brother is a fat kid..."
    OO so, your money is on the Bears with the spread at 7+
    Just tell us your real initials aren't JP and we will all rest easy!

  9. Maryfly Says:
  10. Go Bears!!


  11. Wow. This O.J. kid sounds like a real asshole.

    I have a hard time watching basketball because the squeeking of shoes on court drives me crazy. I do love football and soccer, though, so provided one of my teams is playing, I'm in!

    I admit... I love the Superbowl. I don't know if it's the game itself or the parties with all the beer and finger foods.Nothing beats chips and dip.

    An another note I just wanted to mention that I'm 28 and know what a soda jerk is AND a malt shoppe. Both... need to be brought back into style :-)

    To prove and further impress you with my knowlege I can say that soda jerks began in pharmacies in the 1800's because at that time soda was being made with cocaine and caffeine and was used to treat headaches and fatigue. Then, after the prohibition of 1919 they became very popular as hangouts since all the bars closed. People would congregate there to drink soda, malteds and sandwiches, the most popular in most places, egg salad.

    Other than a few "novelty places" soda fountains and malt shoppes were done away with in 1970, a full 8 years before I was born although I think there is still one somewhere in Georgia and maybe another one on old route 66. That's a long way for me to travel.

    Anyway... I've babbled enough at this rate.

  12. Piacere Says:
  13. I think Mr. O.J. needs to park his high horse in another stall...what a little PRICK...somebody's gonna have to knock him down a peg or two...

    OK, I'm going out on a limb here (sorry Dixie and Maryfly)...I'm rooting for Indy. Let's see what happens.

    "The blogger formerly known as older than dirt" definitely knows what a malt shoppe is...GEEZ!!!

    And thanks for "Basketball Jones", one of my Cheech & Chong favorites. I got in SO much trouble with the parents for buying this album!!!

    Have a great weekend!


  14. Tisha! Says:
  15. Bond baby, darling, sugar plum, sounds like you're very excited about the Superbowl!

  16. MARY: Gee thanks for stopping your ummm... "chores" to come visit! LOL

    108: Yes it appears he is.. but I blame parents, teachers, coaches, administrators more then him. tell someone they are better then all others enough and what do you expect? It is probably all those things combined that makes the Super Bowl so much fun. WOOOO... I am sure many do know.. but hell, it gave me a chance to be semi-humorous!

    PIA: Again... yes he needs an attitude adjustment ... I am also rooting INDY. hehehe you are younger then I, so please stop referring to yourself as "older than dirt"! Bas-it-ball-jonnnnnnnnnnnnes... hehehe see now I was working in radio in college when that came out so I am even OLDER THAN DIRT!
    Enjoy the weekend and the game.

  17. TISHA: My belle... you mean you are not staying up all night to watch???
    You crack me up!

  18. Mags Says:
  19. Superbowl. I'm divided as to whether or not I'm going to watch it. The whole fun to me is making the food and entertaining, and I don't really have anyone to do that with this may just read instead!!

    (Bond-I have a favor posted up on my blog today-if you have time, please stop by. Nothing serious.)

  20. You absolutely do NOT want to hear me rant about this little...jerk...and his so-called elite basketball status when my daughter spent last night crying her eyes out because her school's girls basketball team lost the conference championship in overtime in the final 54 seconds. And for what were these 12 and 13 year old girls playing? Fame? Glory? Money? No, for pride and a trophy. They played incredibly hard, fought like demons, and rose to the occasion for pride and honor. Little punks like this OJ turd (even his name portends doom) make me want to PUKE.

    Sorry - got carried away there.

    Nice choice of Cheech and Chong and Iggy Pop - woohoo!

    Super Bowl? Don't need to weigh in here - you know my feelings. All I'm saying is: Freeney makes Grossman eat grass on more than one occasion.

    Expect more Klecko, too. Love that guy, and Jeff Saturday.

  21. I remember that apple commercial. It rocked, and thank you so much for the Iggy!

  22. Meribah Says:
  23. You know, when I read the title of this post, I thought "Nooooo! Not Sports! I'm gonna be totally bored now!" Then I read it. To my surprise, I was totally entertained! How about that! But I still don't like sports....
    Anywhoo, that Mayo kid definitely needs an attitude adjustment. I firmly believe in karma...and I hope it bites him in the arse soon, before he becomes an even bigger brat than he already is!
    Now, if Pia is older than dirt...and you are older than Pia...that means you are even older than The One Who Is Older Than Dirt! Your middle name wouldn't happen to be Methuselah would it? LMOO

  24. BeckEye Says:
  25. Aren't you excited about the new K-Fed commercial premiering during the Super Bowl?? :)

    I'm going with the Bears. I have no idea why. I just think Peyton Manning is a big doofus. And I have fond memories of the Bears' Super Bowl Shuffle and the Super fans.

  26. Great post as always. Thanks for clarifying that I am not a reptile! (Just don't ask any of my exwives...)

  27. MAGS: There is room at Casa De memphis... c'mon down! LOL

    SONGBIRD: Sorry about daughters team...Glad you liked the tuneage...good luck Sunday

    STARRLIGHT: I actually thought of you when I grabbed Iggy saying "Bet she likes this one" ..

    MERI: Glad you were entertained... How did you guess my middle name...

    BECKEYE; LOL the loser ...
    OOO You and Dixie should be friends, though I think she would use a stronger word then doofus

    BUD: What do they know they are fools for letting you get away. HEY YOU TRAVELING THIS WEEKEND???

  28. Loki Says:
  29. Personslly, any time one of these young guys asks "Do you know who I am?" or makes a comment about how they are the only one who can take the team to the end, they should be taken out to the middle of the court, field, rink whatever and get a spanking for acting like the babies they are.

  30. Tisha! Says:
  31. your belle oooo...yeah right as if they would show it on Belgian TV! Enjoy hun and report back Sunday!! xox

  32. well bond the empress does not do sports but she does love to see who is in the comments room. see?

    very interesting i must say..... sports must be very big this weekend. i wonder what's up.

    smiles, bee

  33. Tug Says:
  34. Had not heard of the OJ it the name? ;-0 Sick, sad, wrong. Barry Bonds just needs to go away. For free.

    GO BEARS!!!!!!!!

  35. Liz Hill Says:
  36. Where to start--

    Love the header prominently featuring the Lowe's #48 of Jimmie Johnson--Nextel Cup Champion 2006 and my personal fave.

    Curious lack of a baseball in there Bondbaby has me stumped though

    And I am suffering no small amount of angst to see my alma mater( Huntington High) so tarnished by the lust for glory and money that sport has become. Of course this is the same community that suffered a horrible tragedy related to sport(Marshall U. plane crash) and it has taken perhaps an outsized importance because of that. And quite honestly this is the same community that diligently kept one Randy Moss (when he was at Marshall U.) in school. So they are experienced with assholes in sport.

    I gotta go with my hoochie mamas and root against the Colts and the dreaded Mr. Manning--purely a friend thing as my sports knowledge says otherwise.

    Oh, and Bondbaby, I know Dan O' Hanlon--I'll tell him you said hi ;-)

    SMOOCH (I am almost not contagious)

  37. LOKI: Not sure that would even help to be honest...maybe the mom and dad or guardian or coach should be the one spanked

    TISHA: WHAT??????? OMG heresy... hop a plane to Memphis and come watch here!

    TUG: Many Bears fans here on THE COUCH...unfortunately I do not think fat-head will disappear until he takes the title

    BEE: LOL a small little game is all!

    TURN: ummm two baseball bats... will chalk it up to you being sick... So, you actually coddle and incubate assholes in your community? I would not tell many people you know the jerk.. please let him know he is despised the COUCH.. though in his warped world, I would probably get sued for liable.. another Bears fan sheesh
    feel better and no smooches are sick

  38. Gail Says:

    GO BEARS!!!!


  40. Tisha! Says:
  41. Come watch it with you hmmmmmm! See ya have to get to the nearest airport ........zsssssssum

  42. Unknown Says:
  43. I see videos!

  44. Anndi Says:
  45. Doc is right.. the BEST Superbowl commercial IS The Office Linebacker! Check out the luggage hold and you'll get quite an eyeful!

    I spent time in WV.. all too happy to hightail it out of there I must say. That scum lawyer/coach of his is fine specimen ain't he..

    Looks to me like their might be an inherent problem with guys named O.J.!

    Keep hoping Barry fizzles babe...

    Now.. about this JP guy, sure hope his girlfriend says yes.. man what a letdown it would be.

    Dah Bears!


  46. Anndi Says:
  47. Oh.. and Bud... frogs are amphibians.. not reptiles!

  48. Anndi Says:
  49. Oh.. and another thing.. not to get icky.. but...

    I, Sir, am the one who calls Tisha ma belle! But if you ask nicely, I'll share...

    Stop using terms that belong to us foreigners!

  50. Anndi Says:
  51. damn! picky.. picky..

    who stole the p?

  52. GAIL: You will not be lonely here, many Bear fans .... Few Colt fans

    TISHA: Waiting on the tarmac for you!


    ANNDI: You in WV LOL.... Never name your kid OJ...Let's hope she says yes
    LOL...listen to her Bud..she knows her frogs! Well Tisha is my special Bronx/Belgium belle... hehehehe

  53. Tisha! Says:
  54. Oh boy! I'd better refrain from what I was going to say!!!

  55. Gail Says:
  56. Dana sees videos! It's better than seeing dead people!

  57. TopChamp Says:

    Audiocodes work on my laptop it seems....

    Hello - hope you're having a lovely weekend! Think we're going to miss each other for a while - I'll be updating while you're resting and vice versa. Still I'll have plenty to read by Saturday & you'll have a whole week to read my single post...

  59. Unknown Says:
  60. If there is any justice in the world OJ Mayo will suck as a pro and than have to try to make a living with an education that he skipped so he could play basketball.


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