"Bix My Toobt Plebese"

Sparks Of Insanity By Vinny "Bond" Marini Friday, August 17, 2007

All ya'all know we broke a tooth on Sunday...who knew you shouldn't use 60# test to floss with...sheesh, we live in the South now and fishing line is much less expensive than dental floss down here.

The tooth was like one of those Hollywood sets where the houses are just a flat surface with nothing behind them...SO, we needed to find a dentist and deal with the cost...

After some investigation we began making some calls. Who used our insurance, who dealt with our dental credit...in Memphis, we could not find one who took both so we began taking notes and trying to decide what was better, out of network or pay out of my pocket....

We called one office and spoke with the woman who answered the phone. Ms. K. was very sweet and welcoming and assured this big dentist phobic that they would care for me with kid-gloves.

Her caring nature made the decision for us and we made an appointment after confirming that nitrous would be available...

So, the next morning we walk into the office and are confronted with a sign on the wall which stated "WE CATER TO COWARDS" AH! we are home....LOL

Walking up to the window Ms. K. smiles and says "Morning Vince, please fill out the paperwork." Without me having to say a word! OK, we are feeling even better...not like other Doctor or Dentist offices we have been in where they barely look at you when you come in for a visit...

We fill out the paperwork and hand it in and within 2 minutes the door opens and we are welcomed by the Dr. P's assistant Ms. M.L. with a smile and a chuckle..."So, you are not a fan of the dentist." she says...

"No ma'am, I am not." we reply. Truth is we would rather her just chop my thumbs off with a rusty 200 year old axe then sit in a dentist's chair...

So, she grabs me by the hair and drags me down the hall kicking and screaming "I WANT MY MOMMY!"

"Well we will take good care of you, you want the nitrous correct?"

"Yes ma'am I do." And some quaaludes and maybe a liter of Gentleman Jack too...ya got that here?

We go into the room and we take a seat. We chat for a few minutes as she asks where we are from - well yes dear readers, we still have our Northern accent so we get asked that question often..can you believe it? bwahahahahahaahahahahahaha

In walks Dr. P. an older man (hell, he is probably our age LOL) and we shake hands and he asks where we are from, how long we have been in Memphis and Ms. M.L. mentions that they have a 'coward' in the chair and after looking around wondering who she means, we realize it is us and yes, we immediately agree.

Dr. P. assures us we are in good hands and then says "Let's take a look."

Into the mouth goes that little mirror and we hear him say "OH!"

Crap...what does he see? Are there little germy monsters building homes where my tooth was? Will my whole mouth have to be fumigated? Will all my teeth fall out?

"Almost nothing left there." he says.

We use our Hollywood lot analogy and he laughs and says, "Yeah, that is just about it!"

Make them like you and they have a harder time hating you and using the non-sterilized instruments...

Time to take an x-ray and Ms. M.L. takes care of that chore.

Then she straps the gas mask on and says "I will set it at our normal level and let's see how you do."

Immediately the words spill from our mouth (which hurts like hell at this point) "Crank it M.L., I can take it, believe me" Then we sigh and say "ARGGGG"

"What is wrong?"

"I forgot my musiccccccccccccccccccccc!" How the hell could we do that! The Allman Brothers "EAT A PEACH" was right next to my keys on my counter...

"Oh, sorry, we have a CD player, but only classic music."

Ummmm no that will NOT do...suck it up you wimp, you have the gas flowing and you already took 4 HUGE hits and can feel it coming on...

We close our eyes and begin to breathe deeply. Ever have nitrous?

It starts slowly and you begin to feel a numbness...almost like your whole body is on Novocaine...and things get intensified....but you really do not care what is going on around you.

THE COUCH BACKSTORY:...as a kid (8-10 years old), we went to the dentist one day. And he kicked the gas in and gave us a shot of novacaine. We were out of it for sure and began to 'hallucinate'...we were outside a pyramid (NO MO, we were not with you and Gram in Egypt!) then a doorway opens and we step into the pyramid.

As we step inside, the door closes behind us and it gets darker, but not pitch black...In the center of the pyramid is two gear wheels slowly turning. As we stand there watching a tooth begins to extend out of our mouth...stretching longer and longer, until it gets caught in the gear wheels and we feel it pull out of my mouth.

At that point, my eyes open in the chair and there is the dentist holding a tooth in a pair of clamps! Never ever forget that day....very weird...

OK, back to Wednesday...Dr. P then comes back and proceeds to give me two shots of novacaine...one in the roof of my mouth..man those do hurt....

He then says, "Looking at the x-ray, well it looks like that tooth has two root canals." AND IT HITS ME!

In NJ we used a hack for a while and we remember he did a root canal and then it still hurt and he told us we needed a second one done....SO it was THAT tooth!

We discuss the cost of the treatment and it is doable so we say "Rock and Roll", though it was probably not that clear as our mouth is numb and the gas is doing it's job....

He begins working and - as we always do - our eyes close..we do NOT like to watch...nope...no...no... remember "We Cater To Cowards".....

The work begins and as he begins to drill, our eyes open.... hummmmm it hurts...can feel pain...so we get Ms. M.L.'s attention and with my hand indicate "TURN THAT SUCKER UP!" and she smiles and boosts the flow of gas a bit more....

Breathe deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep ..... fuzzy....fuzzy...fuzzier.....total fuzz....

"Hummmmm" says Dr. P and of course, we look up...

What the heck can be wrong NOW?!?!?

"It seems there is only one root canal here and the other hole was an attempt to get the root, but was not successful, so that is good news for you..."


Eyes close again...breathe deep... see, if you just breathe through your nose, you stay in the fuzz zone, but if you begin to breathe through your mouth the fuzziness begins to clear as more oxygen gets into your system and overrides the nitrous....

They are working...we are missing our music..the music on the radio is vanilla pop rock- ugh ...but with the gas it has become a beating echoing...mass of noise...

We hear Ms. M.L. say "He is a good patient."

"Yes he is."
answers Dr. P

We smile - well as much as one can smile with two hands shoved into your mouth and a drill moving in and out, but we tap the gas mask and mumble "Gib me dis anb I be da bestest padtent in da worlb"

They both laugh...

Well, we are now to a point where he has completed getting the tooth out and doing whatever else he needed to do....Chase the germies out of their homes?...rebuild my whole jaw from the hack?....install a tiny microchip that will allow the government to track my every move?
They begin to take casts for the crown...OH yeah... needed a post since there was nothing left of the tooth....and of course Mr. Tongue just neeeeeds to touch it... YUKKERS....

Was that a microchip we felt? Wait, are we getting signals from Pluto? Nah, Pluto ain't even a planet anymore...just use more of the gas......suck deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Ms. M.L. takes the cast and is being a little jokester...well maybe she was...or was it the gas?

Hello...Hello...who is in my head? Wait, no way...that can't be Dick Cheney, but hell it sounds like him...DICK, YOU DICK...GET OUT!

damn....suck deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeper

The cast is made and Ms. M.L. says to sit tight and enjoy the ride...OH, we are doing that...yes we are...no more drilling and just us and our best friend the nitrous....well and Dick...he will not leave now..seems he likes it in my head.... damn...

They put the temp crown in...make some adjustments and then Dr. P says, "Well, we don't have to charge you for the second root canal, so it saves you money" (we think he said $30,000,000,000,000,0000.00, but maybe it was only $300.00 and the other number was Dick adding up the national debt...)...damn suck some more quick, maybe he will get the hell out...

We respond with "Well dats bgoob, youb didbn't eben hab to tell me." "

And Dr. P says, "We don't roll that way here in our hood dude, so chill and be excellent"

Wait, who is this guy, George Carlin in "Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure"?

Then finally, Ms. M.L. blows the whole darn thing and utters the most disgusting words we have ever heard in our life....

"OK, I have to turn the gas off, just sit there and breathe the pure oxygen for a few minutes..."

BUT BUT BUT, WE THOUGHT YOU LIKED US...WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU...DON'T YOU SEE WE ARE HAVING FUN HERE! (Well all except Dick who is now trying to convince us to go hunting with him....ummmm no thanks Dick!)

Finally...time to leave.... Dr. P says good bye and we shake hands.. Ms. M.L. turns and says "Bring the CD when you come back now..."

Ms. K. at the desk gives us an emergency number and tells us SHE answers the line and not some service and would we like to go out sometime...(ummm well, maybe the gas wasn't totally out of our system and we imagined that last part)...

All in all, one of the most excellent (George? Where are you George - are you in there with Dick..now that would be a scary twosome...Cheney and Carlin...) dentist visits we have ever had...

We leave and head to the office and pretty much realize that ain't happening..so head home and slept the afternoon. woke up for a while, and then crashed again...

So, if you are looking for a dentist in the Memphis area...let us know and we will turn you on to Dr. P, Ms. K. and Ms. M.L. (oh let's not forget the hygienist who will be cleaning our teeth in two weeks, - with the nitrous of course - we told you C-O-W-A-R-D!), Ms. M.....

This is a real find for us and we thank them for their skills and caring...

Yeah, we did tell them we would be writing about this and Dr. P made sure he got THE COUCH'S address...

so..everyone all at once
HI DR. P....HI MS K. .....HI MS. M.L. .....HI MS. M.!!!!!!!!!

See all ya'll on the 30th for my next appointment!


(John Turner, Geoffrey Parsons and music by Charlie Chaplin)
Peak Billboard Position # 10 in 1954


42 Of Your Sparks

  1. Aw, Vinny, you are so dang cute! How could I not smile while reading this?

    I'm sending a kiss, but a gentle one on the other cheek so as not to disturb the temp crown.

    Tell your dentist thanks from all of us, your faithful readers, friends, and fans, for taking such care of you.


  2. SONGBIRD: Well..you just told him...I think they will be checking us out and sitting on THE COUCH tomorrow...glad you enjoyed...I try to me 'mildly amusing' LOL

  3. Dr. A Says:
  4. I guess things could be worse. I mean, you could have this guy as your dentist.

  5. Travis Cody Says:
  6. Glad it all worked out ok. Finding the right dentist is so tough.

    But these folks sound terrific.

  7. Twyla Says:
  8. Wait a minute...you get to have GAS????? That's not even an option at any of the dentists I've been to...and I've had root canals and everything. I feel ripped off.

  9. DR. A: well..ummm yeah ... ummm could not tell, did he use nitrous?

    TRAVIS: TY my friend..they were

    TWYLA: OMG you have to move girl!

  10. RW Says:
  11. smile awesome! No one likes a dentists anyway :D Have a good weekend my man!

  12. Glad you got your aching tooth fixed. Have a good weekend.

  13. Meribah Says:
  14. Bwahahahaha! That was funny! And I'm glad they treated you right. By the way, they don't use gas here either. Fortunately, I don't mind going to the dentist so I don't need it. :)

  15. Schmoop Says:
  16. Dick Cheney is a handsome man.

  17. Wow -- you're almost as big of a dentist-phobe as I am.
    Sometime, remind me to tell you of my dental horror story... and why I haven't been back to a dentist since.

    Thanks for thinking of me when in the gaseous state of being. Pyramids are wonders, eh?

    If I even am in such pain to deem a dental visit worthy of gathering the courage, I shall use you as me dental hero (and probably come to Memphis to see MrsK and DrP !!!)

  18. ROGER: TY Sir...you also enjoy

    DIXIE: TY dear...you rest and have fun

    MERI: She laughed...yippie! What is it up there with no nitrous????sheesh

    MATT-MAN: Of course that is what YOU got ouT of all of that!

    MORGEN: I might have you beat dude....Well after the HACK in NJ it has been at least 3 years, maybe 4 since I went...and only the tooth breaking made me go...AH the Pyramid...never forget that day...C'mon down and i will bring you to the wonderful land of Dr. P!

  19. katherine. Says:
  20. big points for the Gentleman Jack

    I hate going to the dentist so much...that when I got divorced, I actually had it written into the decree that my ex was required to take my daughter to the dentist!

    heal quickly

  21. Twyla Says:
  22. They don't even give epidurals at our local hospital...the only exception is if a c-section is necessary. This place is horrible. LOL

  23. KATHERINE: LOL.. my main drink...Jack and i are OLD friends....
    Now, that is an interesting inclusion in a decree! Thank you dear lady.

    TWYLA: Where do you live? "Wewantyoutosuffer, Canada"

  24. Lizza Says:
  25. Awesome story, Bond, and terrific telling of it. I can so empathize; I was the victim of a botched root canal too. May quacks who do such things suffer from an itchy groin forever.


    That is Starr worthy rant my friend! I hear you on the nitrous. I think it was the last millennium the last time I went to a dentist. They FREAK me out.

  27. LIZZA: So glad you enjoyed. It was fun to write it, but sitting in the chair sucking deeeeply, it was even funnier in my head! LOL

    STARRLIGHT: Wow....Starr worthy! WOOOOOOO As I have said if the tooth had not broken I would not have been there!

  28. Liz Hill Says:
  29. Glad they fixed you up sugar. Smooch

  30. TURN: ty

  31. Anndi Says:
  32. You big baby..

    of course there was room.. you have a big mouth! Bwahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

    You do realize you sound like Mushmouth... right?

    Looks like you found a decent licensed professional (not like the asshat in NJ - you'd think the jerk would have turned you off licensed professionals). Ummm... did you bother to ask which Dentistry School he attended? *snarf*

  33. ANNDI: "...that's what friends are forrrrr..."
    No one have ever complained about the size of my mouth...so ....heheheheheh
    "a'ba doub nop sounba lipe no mushmoubth"

    One bad apple does not spoil the whole bunch my friend....I saw his diploma, but it was soooooo fuzzy when I was looking....

  34. TopChamp Says:
  35. Ha ha - Glad you are ok. I'm still paranoid about my teeth and imagine that they are wobbly etc... trumpet playing nightmares!

  36. Coco Says:
  37. Oh God, Vinny, I needed that laugh so bad today. Thank you, hon, from the bottom of my heart.

  38. TOPCHAMP: OH my, I suppose it would be a nightmare for you.

    COCO: Well, we are glad we could provide some chuckles for you today...ty for the nice compliment

  39. Julie Says:
  40. Oh Vinny.....it was SO worth finding another computer to catch up with your post. I laughed so hard. I'm waiting for comments from the staff though. They seem like most wonderful people for a c-o-w-a-r-d!

    I'll tell you one thing though....my ipod WILL be tucked in my pocket when I go the next time!

    I've been very lucky maybe 23 cavities in the last 20 years! Good teeth!!

  41. Julie Says:
  42. Woooopsie! I meant 2 OR 3 cavities in the last 20 years. Sheesh....see what I get for enjoying some rum?

  43. JULIE: Gosh girl...you had me worried that you were proud of 23 cavities...thanks for clearing that up.
    Glad you got a chuckle..I did enjoy writing this one...

  44. Hmmm...I hate to brag, but...okay, what the hell? I've NEVER had a cavity!

  45. SONGBIRD: OK, we can no longer be friends..throwing that in my face...how dare you! I say again..how dare you?!?!

  46. jbwritergirl Says:
  47. D-readful
    N-aughty (sometimes)
    S-ometimes ya just gotta bite the bullet.

  48. tiggerprr Says:
  49. Ummm you write so well...that I felt like I was right there in the chair with you. As a fellow dentist coward, THANKS A LOT! LOL

    Poor thing, glad you got it taken care of and it wasn't as bad as you thought. I go to dentists who supposedly cater to cowards...but never do anything to uncoward me...I must not seem scared enough. :/

  50. tiggerprr Says:
  51. Ummm you write so well...that I felt like I was right there in the chair with you. As a fellow dentist coward, THANKS A LOT! LOL

    Poor thing, glad you got it taken care of and it wasn't as bad as you thought. I go to dentists who supposedly cater to cowards...but never do anything to uncoward me...I must not seem scared enough. :/

  52. Mimi Lenox Says:
  53. Nitrous is a wonderful thing. That was sooooo funny. Glad you're feeling better, Bond.

  54. Awww... my poor baby! I'm with you... I hate the dentist!

  55. Angell Says:
  56. ROTFLMOO - oh Bond baby, you slay me.

    Maybe you and Crystal go to the same dentist?


  57. JBW: Thanks for stopping by...
    If I bite a bullet then i might break a tooth and have to start all voer again

    TIGERRPRR: LOL Glad I could give you the images, sorry if they made you feel the pain! Come visit Dr. P he is da bomb

    MIMI: Trying to convince my son to become a dentist...just so he can supply me with a tank a week!

    108: Hold me close.. i am soooo scared

  58. ANGELL: glad you enjoyed....I read Crystal's and left her a comment... her's felt real too...LOL

  59. Unknown Says:
  60. When I got my molars out a few years back, they gave me nitrous oxide...and it made me shake so bad that they had to knock me out anyway. Hehe - great story!

  61. Tug Says:
  62. I am SO with you on the dentist & nitrous thing...glad to hear they took very good care of you!

  63. Lisa Ryan Says:
  64. Ahhh, I am right with ya Bond. Turnbaby told me to come read this post after she read my manic monday post. You and I were having the same kind of fun this week. Only YOU got the fun gas, I am jealous.

  65. DANA: Some people do not react well to it... I am NOT one of those!

    TUG: Welcome back...They did ...I liked them there

    LISA: Thanks for sitting on The Couch I will need to visit when I have a second...No gas...no dentist..my motto


Music On The Couch