I Hate Water...

Sparks Of Insanity By Vinny "Bond" Marini Thursday, May 29, 2008

W.C. Fields is credited with once saying "I don't drink water, fish f**k in it"...

Well, I have been known to drink water, but after a 4 hour span on Tuesday, I am not sure I ever want to see another drop of water in my life.

It was about 3:00 pm or so on Tuesday when I went to the cooler and dispensed a half cup of water. I walked back to my desk and set it down and then began speaking with my co-worker Susan. I turn to my right and hit the cup which spills the water all over my calculator.

The calculator, which was on, immediately begins to flash numbers that looked eerily similar to the numbers on Lost......

Then the national debt began flashing

I grabbed some napkins I keep in my drawer and, while muttering some choice words, begin to mop up all the water...AFTER, I unplugged the calculator. I turned the calculator over and water came trickling out...OH GREAT!

Before leaving for the day I plugged in the calculator and nothing happened. Then all of a sudden the screen looked like hieroglyphics...and out of nowhere the paper feed began to spin...over and over...


So, I unplug the calculator hoping by the morning it will have dried out inside. I also make a mental note to grab a Phillips-head in case I have to open it in the morning.

Head home, have some dinner, do the Radio Happy Hour. As the show is beginning I mention the heavy thunderboomers that were occurring outside. It rained for a while, stopped and then bagan raining again and was still raining, although lighter, when I went to sleep.

When I woke up yesterday I could tell it was still overcast, so I open the blinds on the window upstairs and look out.

The blood rushes to my head...I can hear my heartbeat in my ears...my knees go a bit weak and slowly....ever so slowly.....

Did you have a clue? Well....I had left my sunroof open when I got home!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, there I am hair all wet from the shower, throwing on a pair of shorts and grabbing my keys. Open the door and look in front. Some water in the center console...no major harm....'gee the rug feels only a little damp...weird'.

I look in the back and

Water...Water...Water...on the floor in the back...standing about a 1/4"....(do I have to put the player here again, or would you just like to press play on the one above?)

Into the apartment...upstairs....every towel I have....back out...soaking it up...I had about 7 towels and they are all soaked.

I went in and got dressed and went to work. At lunch, I went and vacuumed the car to soak up some more water. It is still damp in the back and I think I am going to stop on the way to work and buy some kitty litter and spread a thin layer on the rug. We used to use the stuff on the baseball infield when we were out of the 'diamond dust' clay powder. And kitty litter does have a lot of clay.

And YES...I know I can't blame the water for all my woes and for me to have suffered a 4 hour Brain Cramp...but it is better than titling this entry "I Is Idjit"

Well...isn't it?????

This is The Wesley Jefferson Band. From the album "Live From The Doo Drop Inn", a song entitled "Bad Company Keeper"

From the website Mississippi Folkart Folklife Directory: "Bassist, vocalist, and bandleader Wesley Jefferson has been a stalwart of the Clarksdale blues scene since the mid-1960s. He was born in Roundaway in Coahoma County on March 23, 1944, the oldest boy of thirteen children. As a youth he picked and chopped cotton, plowed with mules and later with a tractor, and lived in extreme poverty.

He recalls being influenced by his grandfather, Claude Jefferson, who played guitar at his home in Clarksdale. He also furtively listened to records by “deep blues” artists at a juke joint run by his mother “way out in the field,” where they sold catfish and moonshine made by his stepfather. Local musicians who he saw playing at small venues in the country included the one-man-band “Popeye,” guitarist Ernest Roy—“the best guitarist I ever seen,” and the band led by Tutwiler’s Lee Kizart, who hauled his piano from gig to gig."

And more brilliance by Mr. Fields...

# A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

# After two days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

# Children should neither be seen nor heard from -- ever again.

# I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

# I never met a kid I liked.

# I was married once -- in San Francisco. I haven't seen her for many years. The great earthquake and fire in 1906 destroyed the marriage certificate. There's no legal proof. Which proves that earthquakes aren't all bad.

# If at first you don't succeed, try, try and try again. Then give up. There's no use being a damned fool about it.

# Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

# My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whittish fluid they force down helpless babies.

# Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.

# Start every day with a smile and get it over with.

# The cost of living has gone up another dollar a quart.

# Last week I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

# Here lies W.C. Fields. I would rather be living in Philadelphia.
(His suggested epitaph for himself)

# I was in love with a beautiful blonde once, dear. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

# More people are driven insane through religius hysteria than by drinking alcohol.

# I'll be sober tomorrow, but you'll be crazy for the rest of your life.

# Start off everyday with a smile and get it over with.

# Christmas at my house is always at least six or seven times more pleasant than anywhere else. We start drinking early. And while everyone else is seeing only one Santa Claus, we'll be seeing six or seven.

# "Fields reloading!" (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted, "Camera reloading!")

# How well I remember my first encounter with The Devil's Brew. I happened to stumble across a case of bourbon--and went right on stumbling for several days thereafter.

# I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

27 Of Your Sparks

  1. katherine. Says:
  2. my step dad uses that WC water quote all the time...

    hopefully you're all dried out...smile.

  3. Dana Says:
  4. *gigglesnort* I don't mean to laugh at your misfortune, but it is kind of funny ... in a not-so-funny way!

  5. KATHERINE: Still damp...gotta get some kitty litter

    DANA: Yeah I know it is funny in a sick, demented, what are you crazy sort of way.

  6. Schmoop Says:
  7. Idjit...I like that word. Dry out soon. Cheers!!

  8. RW Says:
  9. Well when ya get older things get soggy lol. Have a towel on me man.

  10. Travis Cody Says:
  11. GAH! What a day!

    When I lived in soCal I had a garage at my townhouse, so I never really worried much about closing the sunroof. I learned pretty dang quick when I got up to WA though!

    Good luck getting all dried out and avoiding the dreaded mildew!

  12. MATT-MAN: Use it anytime...enjoy

    ROGER: Now Now Roger...let's not make age comments here!

    TRAVIS: I hate brain cramps! LOL...Getting the kitty litter at lunch...today is beautiful, sunny...low humidity...the windows and sun roof are open so hopefully it dries out more...

  13. Liz Hill Says:
  14. Make sure you get unscented kitty litter sugar.

    Ugh what a mess!

    I hope today is better.


  15. My car got water inside during a flash flood one night when I was working at the club.

    I found this stuff that you can put in the car, and it soaks all the moisture out of the carpet and the upholstery. You don't spread it out; you leave it in the container.

    I can't remember the name of it, but you may want to check with an auto parts store or somewhere like that.

  16. TURNBABY: Yup...I was planning on the unscented...thanks
    Yesterday got better when darlin' Nancy came by after work since she was concerned with my being so down.
    She changed that! hehehe

    RWA: I will check it out before the kitty litter...thanks for the heads-up

  17. sigh, sorry bond...

    smiles, bee

  18. Twyla Says:
  19. Aww...what horrible day. But on the plus side, the finale of LOST is on tonight. Isn't it? I think so.

  20. On a water strike, huh? Guess you don't want to join me at the beach, then, huh?

  21. BEE: TY honey

    TWYLA: YES it is!!!!

    SONGBIRD: The ocean is not just water...it is L-I-F-E!

  22. Kb Says:
  23. You poor guy. I did that once too.
    I thought I was so cool in my station wagon with a sunroof. The worst part is sitting in your seat you think is pretty dry and not realizing until you get to work you look like you wet yourself. I used Pampers to help absorn mine. Kitty litter is a great idea!

  24. "# I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally."

    WORD! The misanthropic bitch approves. Have to wait until I get home to hear the music. Glad your weekend was fun, Vinny. Been a tad under the weather but I feel better today. Back to work and back to blogging!

  25. KB: It is actually dry! ...My seats are leather, so that helped...

    STARRLIGHT: Glad you are back and up again...W.C. always told it straight...Well, he wasn't straight...he was drunk, but well you know.

  26. KB: It is actually dry! ...My seats are leather, so that helped...

    STARRLIGHT: Glad you are back and up again...W.C. always told it straight...Well, he wasn't straight...he was drunk, but well you know.

  27. GREAT POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    I love WC Fields. And your story was hysterical. Is there going to be a prayer breakfast for the calculator?

  28. Unknown Says:
  29. Good gravy - it sounds like the water gods had it out for you? What did you ever do to them - not bathe for a week? No, wait, that's my kid...

  30. Jeff B Says:
  31. Here in Oregon we don't have sun roofs, we have partly cloudy roofs!

    Sorry about the sog.

  32. LOL Jeff...and sprinkles, showers, rain, soaking rain, drizzle, mist.....

  33. BUD: Thank you Sir...LOL...If the prayer is said by a hammer!

    DANA: LOL...yup I bathe...

    JEFF: bwahahahahahahahahahahahaa
    It is now dry thanks

    STARRLIGHT: Stop encouraging him...Oh I already did too!

  34. Lu' Says:
  35. Bond, what a bummer. My hubby would've totally freaked out. Car guy, car guy, car guy. Did I mention he is a car guy. When we were first married I left the windows open to the car, not uncommon right, well during the night it rained. Shit hit the fan. I'm like take a chill pill dude. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT! Trust me never again in my lifetime will I err in such a way as to offend the Gods, or you! Oh yah if you are wondering, sure I thought, what did I just marry :) 24 years later we are still together. It took some work but I've gotten him to mellow, a bit. I've erred, when I dinged his beloved truck I thought I was going to vomit.

  36. Tug Says:
  37. I hope you had a better day today my friend - waterfree.

  38. Meribah Says:
  39. Aw, c'mon...you know you like water! Why, I'm sure the next time you find yourself crawling through the desert in 110 degree heat, you'll be desperate for the stuff! :P

  40. Kimmie Says:
  41. Oh My Bond! That was a real nightmare of a day! I am so sorry to hear you had such soggy luck. :-(


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