The Male Dilemma...

Sparks Of Insanity By Vinny "Bond" Marini Thursday, April 30, 2009

So, yesterday I was put in a situation all men dread. I guess in some ways women might dread it also...but it is mainly a man's dilemma.

I went and had my haircut. The woman who cuts my hair, also cuts Nancy's. This past weekend the stylist got married, but she and her husband had decided to not go on a honeymoon right away.

I thought that was curious...but it ends up being part of this story I guess. I say I guess, because I am not totally sure. Why am I not totally sure...well, that is because of the dilemma.

So, I walk in and greet "A" and hand her a card from Nancy and I. She thanks me and we go to wash my hair. I am walking behind and I say to myself "Self, "A" is getting big..could she be...???"

Then, as we go back to the chair she shows me a small photo book a niece did for her the day of the wedding. Well, my eyes almost popped out of my head because "A" was about to pop out of her dress in the pictures. that is when I look closer at her standing next to me and I see they are HUGE in person also.

Then y eyes drift downward and I am almost positive..yup totally positive there is a baby bump. My mouth opens to ask that question and then my brain comes back on line...

"What are you some kind of freaking nutcase??? No freaking way are you going to say those words...HECK-A-DOODLE NOT IN A BILLION YEARS"

So I stay quiet, though my eyes keep looking at the belly and my thoughts are...go ahead and ask. Which is met by a resounding scream in my head "HECK-A-DOODLE NOOOOOOO!!!"

So, what did I do as soon as I left the salon? I called Nancy, and she says..."Well, she never told me she was, but her Facebook page says she is."

So, in the end, I could have asked that question...but the genetics of the male species has evolved over the thousands of years we have been on this planet to never ask the following questions:
"Hey, are you pregnant?"
"Wow, when did you gain weight?"
"Can we invite your sister into bed with us?"

The incomparable Billie Holiday...."God Bless The Child"

36 Of Your Sparks

  1. katherine. Says:
  2. sooooo....you know not to ask these questions from personal experience?

     
  3. Starrlight Says:
  4. Good call, Vinny. It's pretty much a given that NO ONE, male or female should ask someone if they are pregnant unless they are obviously about to pop.

    Love that song. Love Lady Day in general but that is one of my favorites of hers.

     
  5. Matt-Man Says:
  6. Never, and I mean NEVER go there and ask that if you don't know. You did the right thing. Cheers!!

     
  7. DrillerAA Says:
  8. Yep, there are some questions that we guys just consider off limits, especially to casual acquaintances. Maybe your stylist figured that since she's told the entire planet on her Facebook page, she's already told you! Maybe she just figures guys don't want to know those things.

     
  9. DrillerAA Says:
  10. Besides, when a woman tells another woman that she's pregnant, the next question is usually, "When is it due?" When she tells a guy she's pregnant, the next question is usually, "Is it mine?"

     
  11. Micky-T Says:
  12. You played them cards right, for sure. I actually made that mistake when I was a younger man.

    (me while looking at her belly)"I didn't realise you guys are having a baby"
    (her) "WE'RE NOT!"

     
  13. DrillerAA Says:
  14. I'm baaaack! Love the song. The first time I heard it was the David Clayton Thomas/Blood, Sweat and Tears arrangement.

     
  15. Travis Says:
  16. The fourth off limits question would be in the form of...So I hear it's your birthday. How old are you?

    And that tune was a great way to begin the day.

     
  17. ...also, never ask: does your mother HAVE to come visit us?...

     
  18. Bond Says:
  19. KATHERINE: Nope, but I is smart!

    STARR: I mean, she is about 5 months I find out and believe me...this girl was BIG. Lady Day is #1

    MATT-MAN: straight answer from you...you must have been burned in the past

    DRILLERAA: Oh, that 'I put it on facebook, so you should know' excuse
    LOL..never going to ask 'is it mine' NEVER

    MICKEY: Thanks dude...and OUCH..did she whack ya?

    DRILLERAA: Welcome back...great reason to come back!

    TRAVIS: OOO yeah, that is a good one too

    PHFRANKIE: LOLOLOLOL...you only ask that one ONCE~!

     
  20. oh bond i am so proud of you!

    smiles, bee
    oxoxoxoxoxooxo

     
  21. Bond Says:
  22. BEE: Thank you dear.

     
  23. You were wise not to go there. Finding a new person to cut your hair sucks the big one!

     
  24. Bond Says:
  25. BUD: OH yeah...no way do I need to go hunting for a new stylist!

     
  26. Turnbaby Says:
  27. I STILL laugh at myself for asking that ---she still hates me *hee hee* I'll post the story sometime

     
  28. Jay Says:
  29. Well done Bondsterino. A gentleman just doesn't ask questions like that.

    Besides, do you know how many sharp objects a hair stylist/barber has at her disposal? Have you ever seen Sweeney Todd?

     
  30. Bond Says:
  31. TURNBABY: c'mon fess up girl...

     
  32. Bond Says:
  33. JAY: OH yeah man, she uses razor on my hair...no way am I tempting fate.

     
  34. busy91 Says:
  35. It is a good thing you didn't ask. I hate when people would ask me, and I'm not. One lady insisted that I was, I told her I'm too old for all that and I was just fat (hey but thanks for the insight)!!!

     
  36. Those are three pretty good questions to stay away from.

    Glad to know you were able to get the answer to the burning question.

     
  37. A few weeks ago, the mother of my daughter's best friend (a woman whom I have not seen in many months) approached me to talk to me about something. It seemed obvious that she was pregnant, but still I refused to say something until she said, "Well, my husband and I agreed not to move until after this baby comes along." And then she stroked her tummy. At that point, and ONLY THEN, did I find it safe to ask about her pregnancy.

    Not knowing she is so much younger than I am, I had no idea that she was still in baby-making mode. I mean, she has three kids already, so who knew?

    It's ALWAYS a good idea to play it safe!

     
  38. Dianne Says:
  39. I would never ask that question either! and I don't think I'm a man, I just act like I have big ones ;)

    you did good kiddo

     
  40. JohnH985 Says:
  41. Good call. I've been tempted a few times to ask that question but always refrained.

    A few years back I decided to forego the hair stylist and bought a pair of clippers and just buzz my head ever few days. Never thought I'd be one to basically go bald, but it makes it so much easier.

    And of course I love the song. I found a three cd set at Walmart or all places recently of Billie Holiday for like ten dollars. It was a steal.

     
  42. Mags Says:
  43. Yes, you were smart not to ask. Even though it turns out she is, it would have been mighty awkward if she wasn't. Oh boy! You'd be looking for a new hairdresser!!!

     
  44. Bond Says:
  45. BUSY: Did ya slug her

    SOUTHERN: I knew it...but could not confirm it

    DESERT: See, now that helps when they say something.

    DIANNE: Thanks Dianne...LOL

    JOHN: I still wear my hair too long to do it myself! $10!!!!!! you should have bought more than one!

     
  46. Bond Says:
  47. MAGS: heaven forbid I lose a great hairdresser...seriously, that would freak me out!

     
  48. Jeff B Says:
  49. You are wise beyond your years!!!

     
  50. Bond Says:
  51. JEFF: And them is a lot of years!

     
  52. Dana Says:
  53. Will you be giving classes to all men (and women)? Now I know, without a doubt, why Nancy is marrying you!

     
  54. Bond Says:
  55. DANA: You can matriculate with me anytime

     
  56. Patti Says:
  57. Vinny, you made so many bloggers proud here by not posing such a personal question.

    Heck-a-doodle you done good!

     
  58. Patti Says:
  59. P.S. I enjoyed Billie Holiday, Vinny.

    Thanks for sharing ~

     
  60. WELL?!?!? Is her sister going to join you and Nancy in bed?!?!?

     
  61. Tug Says:
  62. Yeah, I've heard WAY too many stories about how people were asked that question and had actually just gained some weight...you did good. ;-) Hope you're having a wonderful weekend!

     
  63. star8278 Says:
  64. Good job on keeping the brain in check before engaging the mouth, or something like that. It was a saying my dad always had about think first before you speak, but involved an analogy with cars. lol.

     
  65. Julie Says:
  66. I had an ongoing awkward email relationship regarding her bady situation. I heard she was pregnant and she told me the due date...the date came and went...and she never told of the "news". I didn't know if all went well and struggled with how to find out.

    Eventually I just asked and held my breath until she emailed me. All was well and a new baby girl was brought into her family. She had forgot to tell me.

     

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